DO YOU EVER WONDER...

I HAVE HAD FAMILY IN TOWN ALL WEEK, FROM LAST SATURDAY TILL TODAY SO THIS HAS BEEN A VERY BUSY, STRESSFUL AND EMOTIONAL WEEK. I HAVE BEEN WAITING TO POST THIS NEWS UNTIL WE REALLY HAD AN ANSWER, BUT IT DOESN'T LOOK LIKE WE WILL GET. LAST SATURDAY, 6-30-07, I STARTED SPOTTING. RIGHT AWAY I KNEW...I KNEW THAT I WAS LOSING THE BABY. I HAD BEEN THROUGH THIS 3 TIMES BEFORE. THE BLEEDING WAS LIGHT AND MORE BROWN SO I KNEW I COULD WAIT TO GO INTO THE DOCTOR ON MONDAY. I WENT IN MONDAY MORNING AND HAD SOME BLOOD DRAWN. THEY WANTED TO CHECK MY HCG LEVELS AND TO DO AN ULTRASOUND. THE ULTRASOUND SHOWED THAT MY UTERUS WAS EMPTY BUT THERE WAS A SMALL MASS ON MY LEFT FALLOPIAN TUBE, SO WE HAD TO WAIT ON THE RESULTS OF MY BLOOD WORK. THE RESULTS OF MY BLOOD WORK CAME BACK LATER THAT AFTERNOON AND THEY HADN'T RISEN TO WHAT THEY SHOULD BE. THE DOCTOR SAID MY HCG LEVELS HAD RISEN BUT THEY WERE ABNORMAL LEVELS AND TO COME BACK THURSDAY FOR MORE BLOOD WORK AND THEY WOULD BE ABLE TO BETTER DETERMINE WHAT WAS GOING ON. THURSDAY, WE WENT BACK TO THE DOCTOR AND HAD MORE BLOOD DRAWN AND I WAS TOLD COME IN FRIDAY MORNING TO DISCUSS THE NEXT STEP. WHEN I WENT IN FRIDAY THEY DID ANOTHER ULTRASOUND AND SAW THAT MY UTERUS WAS STILL EMPTY AND THERE WAS STILL A SMALL MASS INSIDE MY LEFT TUBE BUT COULDN'T DETERMINE IF IT WAS THE BABY OR JUST FLUID. SO THEY SENT ME INTO THE HOSPITAL SATURDAY MORNING FOR A METHOTREXATE SHOT... http://health.yahoo.com/ency/healthwise/aa84234...JUST TO BETTER BE SAFE THAN SORRY. I AM SUPPOSE TO CHECK BACK IN WITH MY OBGYN ON TUESDAY OR WEDNESDAY FOR MORE BLOOD WORK ND HOPEFULLY MY HCG LEVELS WILL CONTINUE TO DROP, IF NOT I WILL HAVE TO HAVE SURGERY. I DON'T FEEL LIKE THAT IS LIKELY TO HAPPEN...I BELIEVE I LOST THE BABY ON WEDNESDAY AND THURSDAY.

I, AT THIS POINT, HAVE NO DESIRE TO EVER GET PREGNANT AGAIN. I DIDN'T EVEN WANT TO GET PREGNANT THIS TIME. DO YOU EVER WONDER WHAT GOD'S REASONING IS? I DO...I DO ALL THE TIME. IT IS SO HARD TO "KEEP THE FAITH", AS I HAVE BEEN TOLD, WHEN YOU DON'T HAVE AN ANSWER TO WHY. MAYBE I AM JUST BITTER BUT WHEN PEOPLE SAY "WELL AT LEAST YOU HAVE CALEB" OR "YOU STILL HAVE YOUR HEALTH" OR "GOD HAS A PLAN" IT JUST MAKES ME SO MAD. I KNOW GOD HAS A PLAN, BUT IT DOESN'T MAKE IT ANY EASIER. AT THIS POINT I AM BECOMING SO NUMB TO IT BUT FEELING MORE AND MORE GUILTY FOR NOT BEING ABLE TO CARRY CHILDREN FOR KEVIN. HOW DO YOU GET OVER THAT GUILT? I CAN'T HELP THE WAY I FEEL. HE CAN TELL ME TILL I AM BLUE IN THE FACE, WHICH HE HAS, THAT I HAVE GIVEN HIM EVERYTHING HE COULD EVER WANT. IF IT WASN'T FOR ME TAKING THE INITIATIVE TO ADOPT, WE WOULDN'T HAVE CALEB. AND CALEB, WELL I LOVE HIM SO SO MUCH. I LOOK AT HIM AND I DON'T SEE "ADOPTED" I SEE MY SON AND NOTHING ELSE, BUT KEVIN AND I HAVE LOST 6 CHILDREN...5 THROUGH MISCARRIAGES AND MIA. IT TAKES A TOLL ON YOU WHETHER OR NOT YOU HAVE CHILDREN AT HOME. MISCARRIAGE #4 ISN'T ANY EASIER THAN #1.

THANKS FOR LETTING ME TALK. I KNOW MANY OF YOU READING THIS ALL READY KNOW WHAT HAPPENED AND I KNOW YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY, THAT'S OK. WHAT CAN YOU SAY THAT YOU ALL READY HAVEN'T.